Let’s paint a picture, shall we?
You wake up and look at your alarm clock. It’s 6am and you know you need to get up to start your day, and yet you are just so dang tired. You slept maybe 6 hours last night after getting the fussy baby down. Not to mention walking the dog at 10pm and cleaning the house after putting in what should be a 7 hour school teacher day but somehow turned into a 9 hour day. You finally get up at 6:20am. Except now the baby is up, too. You feed the dog and the baby. You make yourself look somewhat presentable and kiss your partner goodbye. He is also exhausted and doing the dishes that you didn’t get around to last night. You forget your lunch on the counter as you walk out the door.
(Notice how little boundary setting is already at work)
And now it’s time for work…
You drop your child off at daycare at 7am. Then It is a mad dash to make it to work just in time for the morning bell goes off and the students flood into the school. You sprint through your morning, cover someone’s class on your prep period, work through lunch as you scarf down left overs in a span of 5 minutes. You would consider this impressive if you didn’t resemble a gargoyle while you ate. Next thing you know, students are back from lunch and it’s go time again.
Home Sweet Home?
At the end of the day, you don’t even feel relief because you know you have more grading and paperwork to do. You leave your classroom at 4:30, grab your kiddo at 4:45 and make it home by 5:15. “So much for an 8 to 3 work day” you say, “more like a 6 to 5,” You and your husband take turns caring for the baby, making dinner, and cleaning the house.
You glance at your work emails and notice a student has an urgent question about homework. “I will just take a few minutes to send him this email and I will be right back,” you mention to your husband. As you re-enter the room 45 minutes later, you’re husband doesn’t even look up as he points at the clock. By the time the baby is down and dinner is over, the dishes look insurmountable. You and your husband start to clean and squeeze in a half hour of mindless TV before you start this cycle all over again. Will it be like this forever?
You feel exhausted, burnt out, and ready for it to be June except it is March.
When Did it Get So Bad?
Why is it so hard? When did it get this way? If the story above sounds familiar to you, you are in good company. As this was my life up until recently.
And can I tell you a (not so secret) secret? I hated every minute of it.
I consistently put in 9 hour work days. When I got home, I was too tired to do anything. Our house was a disaster. Our house had ANTS. All. The. Time. Despite how much we cleaned. I felt like I never was a good enough teacher, an absent mom, and a terrible wife and partner. I began to hate myself.
How did I become the person I described above? Well, there were many reasons why. Chalk it up to my childhood, my personality, lack of self-will. You could blame it on a hundred different things. However, I believe the most salient reason why I was this way boils down to 1 main thing:
Teacher Grind Culture and lack of Boundary Setting. (Or, just grind culture in general).
Teacher Grind Culture places emphasis on “teamwork,” “doing it for the kids,” and doing your best to serve your classroom. Schedules constantly shifting, admin adding in new curriculums or tasks to keep up with “learning loss,” suffered during the pandemic. If you are a person who already has poor boundaries (like myself) and struggles with mental illness (like myself), this is a recipe for disaster. Add in the Instagram-worthy classroom “Keeping up with the Joneses” aspect that we all face now in 2022 and you have a concoction of nonsense that teachers constantly have to wade through on a daily basis.
There is no boundary setting in education right now, and no leaders are effectively modeling it either. Everyone is overworked and burnt out. It is leading to a mass exodus of our profession.
Setting yourself on fire to keep your students warm
Each day, I felt compelled to continue to go above and beyond for my students.
I just HAD to get that grading in, hold that extra rehearsal, keep making new lessons to share with my colleague, practice my conducting skills… the list goes on and on.
You see, my day was filled with a list of things I thought I “had” to do.
Do you notice how none of those “have to do’s” have to do with myself?
Pause for a moment and ask yourself: Do you ever think of your own needs during the school day?
I never thought to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, or take a break. I was constantly “go, go, go.” Part of that comes from bad habits I have myself, but another, scarier part of that is buried within the Teacher Grind Culture.
You see, Teacher Grind Culture is insidious. It disguises poor boundary setting and self-advocacy as our love for our students. Teacher Grind Culture dresses up martyrdom to look like you are “just doing it for the kids.” The faster you see this culture as the disease that is eating away at good teachers and forcing so many of us to resign- the faster you can take steps to protect yourself.
It may be too late for me, but it might not be yet for you.
Why Boundary Setting Feels So Bad
Boundary setting can feel scary to teachers. It can make us feel like we are NOT a team player, that we don’t care about our kids or our co-workers.
I am here to tell you that boundary setting is the EXACT opposite of that.
Boundary setting shows others you do care. You care enough about yourself to advocate for what you can and cannot do. You care enough about your co-workers and students to know what you can and cannot take on. Boundary setting IS caring. It is teamwork. and it models a life-skill for your students that they so desperately need to see during these times.
How do I begin to set Boundaries?
This is also a good question. If you are anything like me, this may be really confusing for you at first. How do I know when I need a boundary set? How do I know when I am going over my boundaries?
A good rule of thumb is to begin to listen to yourself. The ONLY way to do this is to create some stillness in your life. You need to really be with yourself to hear what you need. You can do this by:
-A quiet drive to work
-A five minute meditation at the beginning of the day
-Journaling before you get out of bed or before you leave for work
-A night-time bath with no electronics.
Not all of these will work for everyone. However, I challenge you to pick 1 to start incorporating into your day. By doing this, you can begin to see what boundaries you may be lacking.
Figuring Out What Boundaries You Need
You can begin to ask yourself: “What do I need? What is my body telling me?” Are you feeling drained after grading until 4pm every day? Then set a timer on your phone and grade until 3:30pm and WALK. AWAY.
The most crucial aspect of this is that once you realize what boundary you need to set, you MUST follow through with this boundary setting. If you begin to break your promise on your own boundary setting (I.e. staying until 3:45 when you promise you will leave by 3:30) you will slowly start slipping back into your old, self sabotaging habits.
Self-Advocacy and Boundary Setting
You have to be willing to advocate for your boundaries and yourself, even when you are around individuals who are not actively cultivating this practice. Some mantras that have helped me are “My boundary setting is clear, and being clear is being kind. Lack of boundaries is unclear, and unkind.” I also tell myself “Lack of boundaries is self-sabotage.” Once you begin to set boundaries and hear what you need, it will be difficult to walk away from. You will begin to feel more like your old self again, and want the autonomy and happiness that accompany it.
If someone is pushing you and crossing a boundary, very clearly tell them. “I cannot do [xyz] at this time. Ask [someone who could be helpful] to assist you with this at this time.” This not only is helping you, but setting a clear example of boundary setting for the individual crossing your boundary (maybe they can learn a thing or two!)
Here is a link to a fantastic website that has boundary setting worksheets and examples that have truly helped me. You can even download this worksheet and do it with pen and paper (like I like to!)
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/setting-boundaries
If someone is mad about the boundary setting, then it is about them- not you.
You are not responsible for people’s reactions and emotions. Just because you have set a boundary does not mean you need to coddle someone who has poor boundaries and lacks empathy. Even if this is your principal or supervisor, the clearer and more direct you are about your boundary setting, the less likely they will have any foot to stand on when they feel “upset.”
If you are a teacher who has a contract, read that contract carefully. You have contracted hours for a reason. If you cannot get all the work you need to get done in that period of time, then that shows a bigger, school culture problem than your ability to work.
If you are noticing your school is perpetuating a lack of boundary setting- speak up and advocate!
You know that old Smokey Bear saying, “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires!” Well, that can apply to your school culture. You and your colleagues can take steps to prevent Toxic Teacher Grind Culture. Start by talking to your colleagues about modeling and setting healthy boundaries. Begin to advocate to your union if you feel that your administration is not supportive. And likewise, you can advocate to your admin if you feel your colleagues are not supportive of these measures.
Through taking steps to call out Teacher Grind Culture in a constructive yet clear way, we are not only protecting our own boundaries but paving the way for future educators, students, and other support staff who also fall victim to this cycle.
Putting Yourself Last Will Slowly Kill You.
CW: Mental Health and Suicide.
The last few years teaching have been hellish. Anyone who has not experienced it will never understand how truly difficult it has been for us. When you begin to take these boundary setting steps, you may realize that there is a lot more you need to unpack.
For me, I nearly died before I set boundaries. I would have let this profession consume me. I felt worthless in the end and that everyone would be better off without me.
And that was my wakeup call.
No amount of boundary setting could help me at that point. I needed a full on breakup with the profession I loved the most.
In one of the most painful moves I have had to make, I decided to resign from my teaching position in late February.
I NEED to emphasize that this is the boundary I needed. It was too late for me to do implement anything else. I have had other hardships hit me this year (a miscarriage, family health problems, loss of childcare, etc.) that became all too much for me to weather. Many colleagues and my administration have been wonderful, and I am fortunate for that. Because the reality is this:
If I had stayed I would have simply died. There is no other way around it. One way or another, I needed to leave.
And you may also be in this boat. Only you can answer that question. But if the person you read about at the beginning of this blog sounds familiar, then please heed my warning. Start now. If you need to find another school because the culture is so toxic–then do that. If you need an all out break because that is what your body is telling you, then DO that. But begin by setting boundaries now, before it is too late.
More Tips on Creating Empathy and Boundaries in the Classroom?
Read this blog post below!